"If your were wondering" sung by Hugh Jackman in the Broadway show The Boy from Oz. (it has even been my cell phone ringtone for over 2 years)
With this new year I want hope of trying new things, enjoying what I have, improving myself. Instead I am facing an old problem: Pain and fear
I struggle with the desire to make changes. I want to lose weight, get healthier and stronger so I can try new things like playing golf, exploring the ocean and water sports available in our area. I want to look better so I feel better about myself and want to go out to do more. But instead my year is starting with phone calls to doctors and fear of what is to come.
I don’t know what scares me more, that there is a problem with the artificial joint and it requires more surgery to fix or that there is nothing wrong with the joint and I just have to deal with the intense and almost constant pain in my face, ears and head.
Which will be worse? Facing more doctors, travel time to reach those doctors, procedures, surgery, time off from work, stress about paying the bills and fear of complications or facing again the fact that I am only 34 and will have constant pain for the rest of my life. Pain that drugs do little to relieve or worse being denied the small amount of relief they do offer because my body can’t handle the meds on a daily basis.
Will this year bring change and hope or will it blend in the years that came before it with nothing more to show than doctors bills and disappointment.